Etiquette is a funny thing. We all know the basics: say “please” and “thank you;” don’t talk with your mouth full; turn your cell phone off in movie theaters and places of worship, etc.; say excuse me if you bump into someone on the sidewalk… you know – all that good stuff.
The “funny” part of etiquette comes in when a subject area in question is off limits for discussion according to etiquette. For example: Poop. It’s not polite to discuss feces in good company. However, there is a myriad of incredibly delicate rules surrounding poo. So, for the next couple of minutes, let’s put aside the rules of etiquette that say not to discuss poo in order to boldly explore the etiquette surrounding this controversial and provocative subject matter.
Let’s begin with the basics. There are many words for feces of which you are most likely aware:
Poop
Poo (one of my personal favorites)
Poopie
Kaka (the first one I learned as a child)
Crap
Shit
Do-Do
Bum brownie
Chocolate soldier
Brown banana
Brown dildo
Brown hotdog
Brown [insert anything with a poo-like-shape apparently]
Colon cobras (wow)
Sugar Honey Ice Tea (a favorite of a colleague of mine)
Etcetera… this is, by no means, a comprehensive list…
An even more amusing list is that to describe the verb of pooping. Here are a few to wet your palate. Gross.
Give sacrifice to the porcelain God
Ass sneeze
Drop a deuce
Lay bricks
Take the Browns to the Superbowl
Push some legislation through Congress (thanks for those two, FM)
Drop the kids in the pool
Push some legislation through Congress (thanks for those two, FM)
Drop the kids in the pool
Grow a monkey tail
Fire rear thrusters
Grow a log
Lay pipe (although there’s an argument over whether this means to have sex… it is a featured favorite of several rap artists… including Lil Wayne)
Free the legless dog to sea
I could go on and on…
(Most of) these words and phrases are widely known. What is NOT known, I am finding, is the etiquette surrounding pooping in public, or more specifically, in the workplace. My interest in this subject began at my first job right out of college. A woman I worked with would not shut up in the bathroom. I had a VIP desk not far from the facilities, and I am pleased to report that on a good day, I could hear her dropping a deuce in the comfort of my cubicle…
The thing is, no one discusses what is and is not appropriate. So, I’ve developed a working list. Here are the basics:
1. Thou shalt not grunt.
Moaning in victory is also prohibited (for example: “Oh, yeah!”). I dedicate this rule to the aforementioned woman from my first job.
**Please note: There are no exceptions to this rule**
2. Remember to keep holy thy courtesy flush.
The courtesy flush is that effortless flush done right after firing a rear thruster. This wonderful little act reduces the amount of stench released into the air so that your unfortunate colleagues won’t be subject to its rank odor for hours on end.
3. Thou shalt not look under the stall to identify thy neighbor.
This, incidentally, applies even when poop is not involved. Pulling a, “Is that you, so-and-so?” is not cool. Here’s what’s up: Their pants are down; there’s a good chance they don’t want to talk right now… about work or otherwise.
4. Honor thy colleagues.
If you are in the middle of pooing and someone walks in, please, for the love of everything holy, stop and hold your fire. This means, no farting, no plopping, no nothing. We know you’re pooping – we are going to do our business as fast as possible so you can get back to what you’re doing (see rule number 5).
5. Thou shalt not linger.
When you enter the restroom, scout out the other inhabitants. If you notice there is someone who is making absolutely no noise (politely following rule numero 4 we hope!), give them the ‘right-of-way.” If you came there to pee, do it swiftly. If you came to “give a sacrifice to the porcelain God,” tighten that external anal sphincter (your internal one is involuntary – just in case you were wondering), and go on your merry way.
6. Thou shalt not talk on your cell phone.
I was once in the stall next to one of our more senior associates who was on a conference call discussing (ironically) the value of etiquette when soliciting high-level donors. And more recently, a colleague of mine came into the bathroom and went into the stall next to me and announced, “I’m peeing.” Well, I thought, you’ve come to the right place! (It wasn’t until she started in on her child for not cleaning the kitchen the night before that I figured out she was on her cell). My poor father was at an interstate rest stop when the person in the stall next to him asked, “Would you like to come over later?” After he replied “uhh… not a chance in hell,” the person on their cell phone (woops) became quite uncomfortable and explained to the person that they were going to have to call them back because some weirdo in the next stall was answering his questions!
7. Thou shalt be creative in an emergency.
If it is an emergency situation and you are unable to follow rule number 4, execute the courtesy flush. The flush will camouflage any noises and if you have to do a number of these little beauties, blame it on the auto-flush toilets if you end up having to have awkward small-talk with someone who was caught in your PZ (Poo Zone).
8. Thou shalt not reveal yourself.
Speaking of awkward small-talk, rule number 8 is easy: if you’re dropping the kids off in the pool and someone comes in to pee and is busily trying to get out of your PZ per rule number 5, stay in the stall until they leave. The thing is, everyone knows you were pooping – you know it, they know it, the porcelain God definitely knows it. This rule will save you and your victim from having to have that awkward sink small talk. Small talk is hard enough; trying to engage in small talk while holding your breath? That’s just unnecessary. Stay put.
The thing is, no one wants to poop at work, but sometimes it’s unavoidable. However, if you follow these eight simple rules of pooping etiquette – granted, you will still have to endure the stress and discomfort that comes with the public poo – but at least your colleagues won’t be talking about you behind your back. Yes – it’s true. The thing is… work is boring. We all need something to keep us amused and poop-talk is in my opinion very effective.
So, there you have it folks. Now go forth and make me proud you polite little poopers!
